well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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