Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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