he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
