Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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