I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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