I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
