Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
