did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
