Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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