My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My breasts were aching with rage.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
