I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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