i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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