Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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