Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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