im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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