I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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