how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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