Whatcha textin bout Willis?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
