I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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