So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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