I will die if light touches me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
