somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
