Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
