8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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