I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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