I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize