Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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