nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
