Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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