he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize