Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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