Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
