your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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