We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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