i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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