You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
