I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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