She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize