Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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