70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
