My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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