Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
