the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
