There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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