Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
