I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
