Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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