He kissed a someone with a penis
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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