you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
