Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
