Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
