I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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