I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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