I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
