That's intense
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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