I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
