Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
