I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
