You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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