Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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