I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
