Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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